kelly_channingx

I have a problem, his name is Vince. Vince is wise beyond his years. He's attractive both conventionally and unconventionally. Mentally and physically. He's opinionated. He's possesses both creativity and artistic talent. I envy his wit and cherish the stories of his he lets me read. He'd be perfect, if perfection were obtainable. Even his zodiac sign is something to be appreciated. Vince just happens to be an Aquarius. Aquarius' are known to be rebellious, honest, intellectual, and born humanitarians.

Unfortunately, he is a year my junior...

Tonight you made me promise to tell you how Leonard Cohen makes me feel. I can't seem to do explain it without sounding completely stupid, childish, slow. The female brain is very different the brain of your species, some may even say more complex. Well, that's a bit of a stretch. Regardless, we think much differently. We're generally very detail oriented. We over analyze things. On Friday, we were lying on my bed, not doing anything at this point, just listening to Leonard Cohen. You were singing along and I was just looking at you. It was then that I realized how perfect the moment was. Maybe it wasn't something you'd see in a film, or read about in a book, but there was something about it. Something almost surreal. I wasn't myself. I wasn't home. The silly troubles everyone my age deals with all disappeared, and I was floating in space. I was in this dream land. It was wonderful. At the same time, I was overwhelmed by the pain in his voice. He's beautiful. Forgive me if it all sounds a little melodramatic, but I've had a permanent lump in my throat since Monday night, when I really started listening to him. I feel like at any given time, I'll break down and cry. Without thinking about you relate all of his lyrics back to personal experience. For example, "Famous Blue Raincoat" is about his wife cheating on him, with his brother, but it becomes so much more than that.

I'll explain the rest later.

I put a spell on you
’cause you’re mine

You better stop the things you do
I ain’t lyin’
No I ain’t lyin’

You know I can’t stand it
You’re runnin’ around
You know better daddy
I can’t stand it cause you put me down

I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine
You’re mine

I love ya
I love you
I love you
I love you anyhow
And I don’t care
If you don’t want me
I’m yours right now

You hear me
I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl,
You're much too young, girl
With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You're old enough
To give me Love
And now it hurts to know the truth, Oh,
Beneath your perfume
and make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it is wrong to be
Alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes, Oh,
So hurry home to your mama
I'm sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here
Before I have the time
To change my mind
'Cause I'm afraid we'll go too far, Oh,
Young girl

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
She's one of those girls,
Who seems to come in the spring.
One look in her eyes,
And you forget everything,
You had ready to say.
And I saw her today, yeah.

A younger girl
Keeps rollin' 'cross my mind.
No matter how much I try,
I can't seem to leave her memory behind.
I remember her eyes,
Soft dark and brown.
Said she'd never been in trouble,
Even in town
A younger girl
Keeps rollin' 'cross my mind.

No matter how much I try,
I can't seem to leave her memory behind.

A younger girl
Keeps rollin' 'cross my mind.

And should I hang around,
Acting like her brother?
In a few more years,
They'd call us right for each other.
And why, If I wait I'll just die, yeah.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Annie

want to tell me a story
12:26amKevin

um. sure
12:26amAnnie

i'm babysitting and bored
12:27amKevin

once upon a time. there was abeautiful princess
12:27amAnnie

hahah continue
12:27amKevin

she lived in a castle with her prince crowther

one day, a horrible fire breathing dragon attacked the castle, and prince crowthers ponytail was burned up!
12:28amAnnie

oh no

then what happened
12:29amKevin

prince crowther and the beautiful princess cried and cried, for days and days. their tears filled up the castle until it was filled all the way up to the ramparts
12:30amAnnie

aww

this is sad
12:30amKevin

as they were on the ramparts, the beautiful princess realized that she didnt love her prince for his hair, and told him so

she stopped crying only to hear his response.

"Sniff.. but my ponytail is the only part of me that makes me special! with out it *choke* im just like every other prince!"
12:31amAnnie

awww

i feel for him
12:31amKevin

lmao

so the beautiful princess came up with an idea.

she climbed down the side of the castle, and visited the wizard in the village.

she explained the problem, and the wizard listened, wisely
Annie

yes yes

go on
12:34amKevin

after hearing the sad story of the castle filled with tears, the wizard gave the princess a bottle, and said "in this bottle is a powerful hair growth formula. just a drop from here, and your prince will have his handsome ponytail back

so the beautiful princess ran back to the castle and told the prince how his hair could grow back.

she sprinkled a drop on his head, and just like new, a new ponytail grew, even more handsome and silky than the old one!
12:36amAnnie

this is a sweel story
12:36amKevin

lmao. im not done yet
12:37amAnnie

it's still great
12:37amKevin

but the prince was GREEDY, and selfishly grabbed the bottle of hair growth potion from the princess.

she warned him, but he dumped the potion all over himself, and it flowed into the castle filled with tears.
Annie

oh no

he would never be selfish

Kevin

and as fast as you can blink an eye, all the tears that filled up the castle were turned into hair, fitting into every nook and cranny in the stone walls. The hair attached to the princes hair, and was too thick to cut

he was trapped for the rest of his life
12:40amAnnie

that's gross

at least he'll never leave me
12:41amKevin

but the beautiful princess loved the prince too much to abandon him, and although she couldnt live in the castle, she visited him everyday, bringing him food, and brushing his long golden hair. and they lived happily ever after

THE END

"yes, i agree. But many people admire you, or like you, or really enjoy your presence. Some people need you. Others just think your great. No, it might not be love, but nothing is." - discussing the idea of love with Kevin Wall.

"I don't think I like people much. Sleep walking through the day. Consuming, swallowing stories they're fed. hypocrites, contradictions around every corner. Monotony that they're not willing to escape... No, I don't like people much at all." - my thoughts on the human race while waiting for the 52 bus

Dear Patch,

I don't know where to start. I'm still hurt, I guess. Isn't that silly? I don't know if telling you this will flatter you or scare you away, but it needs to be said. May of last year was the happiest month of my life because of you. You knew about the curse, you were sensitive to my fears of someone else leaving me, and I thought... I thought... I thought we would end up together. I thought you were as happy with me as I was with you. You made me smile, you made me laugh, you made me feel great about myself. You did all these things without even trying. You are amazing. You are smart. You may not have been as attractive then as you are now, but I thought you were the most handsome man I’d ever met. I'm not just saying that either. I was head over heels. I was gone. Looking back, I guess I didn't think, I assumed; and at the end of the month you WERE that one that was gone. Leading someone on like that is unforgivable and I really hate you for it.

A lot like love, my hate is a sham. I find it absolutely impossible to hold a grudge. So even though I want to hate you, I don't think I ever could. You're charming. You say things that make it impossible for me to hate you. Believe me, I have tried for my own good, but nothing seems to work. You took the most proud person and made a fool of me. You took the most trusting person and hurt me. You took the heart I wear on my sleeve and you ripped it to pieces. From one point of view, that sounds absolutely hilarious, but do you know what the worst part is? Come up to me, and ask me to take you back and I would with out asking a single question accept maybe, "Really?”

Well you don't want me Patch, which was plain to see tonight. You won't look me in the eye. You wouldn't touch me. You wouldn't even hug me good-bye when you gave everyone else a hug. I know that last one sounds childish, but it hurt. You hurt me Patch; you hurt me again. I'm tired of being stepped on. There are a bunch of nice guys out there who would treat me with the respect I deserve, but I don't care about any of them. I care about you Patch.

I don't know what else to say to you. You were my hero. You were my date. You were my friend. I guess you're just better at moving on than I am...

Sincerely yours,

Kelly

I met a boy called Frank Mills
On September twelfth right here
In front of the Waverly
But unfortunately
I lost his address

He was last seen with his friend,
A drummer, he resembles George Harrison of the Beatles
But he wears his hair
Tied in a small bow at the back

I love him but it embarrasses me
To walk down the street with him
He lives in Brooklyn somewhere
And wears this white crash helmet

He has gold chains on his leather jacket
And on the back is written the names
Mary
And Mom
And Hell's Angels

I would gratefully
Appreciate it if you see him tell him
I'm in the park with my girlfriend
And please

Tell him Angela and I
Don't want the two dollars back
Just him!

KELLY:
Okay
Say, hypothetically of course
There was this boy
And you really liked him
And you thought, you were lead to believe, there was a relationship in your future
And you didn't like him for superficial reasons, you really cared for him
And then one day, your dreams of the so called "relationship to be" with this boy was ripped out from under your feet
And you were left feeling crushed
FIONA:
... WHO?
KELLY:
(Can’t tell you)
And... (Yes there's more)
Any intelligent person would tell you, feelings don't go away if you repress them, they just come back stronger and harder
But at the time you didn't know what to do
You had never been the dumpee before
So you repressed your feelings, hurried yourself to heal
And you met other boys, all who you liked but never felt as much for as this being who ripped out your heart and left it lying on the floor
So your romances fail, for one reason or another, and you wear your heart on your sleeve, hoping this boy will want to come back and cherish it instead of leaving you feeling inadequate
But he doesn't want you
You’re no longer good friends
You no longer hang out
FIONA:
... Cristian?
KELLY:
Hahahaa no
BUT you want desperately to talk to him

FIONA:
Ahah okayyy
KELLY:
You want to remind him WHY he liked you
But you don't know how
And other people stand in your way
People who disapprove, people who would be hurt, and you're not one to hurt feelings you just don't know how to be selfish and not to hurt feelings at the same time
So, hypothetically of course, what do you do?
But what does anyone say
It’s not life or death
But you want something to be there instead of nothing
Come on, you want to be a shrink. Psychoanalyze my problem.

Blaine,

I don’t know why I wanted to write this. All I know is it seemed like a good idea when I opened up the word document. I don’t even remember what I wanted to say you. It’s funny, because I had this all mentally prepared on the bus ride home; how easily I forget things. I think it was pretty much a goodbye but like I said I don’t remember things as well as I should. I came home all happy and excited to write some silly civics paper and now I’m suffering from the worst case of writer’s block of had in a while. I all of a sudden remember my dream from last night. Beautiful shades of blue and purple swirling in the air. Mist covers the ground, and I remember, I’m in my room. Curtains drawn, lighting dim, an overall somber setting. I’m contemplating my suicide. Fifteen beautiful Tylenol sit on my night table, sparkling like rubies in the blurred light of my room. What an excellent example of my macabre imagination. I not saying all this for a reaction, unfortunately it’s all that’s coming to mind at the present. What does it all mean Spencer? I took maybe four pills before I went to bed, but that’s not nearly enough to trip me out or anything, I’ve grown quite the tolerance but what does it all mean? Am I upset because of what Kevin says or is this a much more serious issue buried deep in my subconscious? Freud would say it means I’m frustrated with my sex life, seeing he thought everything was about sex (like watermelons… wtf Freud), but that’s just silly.

I wish I could explain this to you. I really wish I could but I don’t know what words to use. I don’t know how to express myself. I’ll try but I won’t do my heart justice. I’ll probably end up more upset, frustrated and confused then I am now.
It’s YOU.
You’re a problem.
Always so quick with you’re complements. Well I don’t deserve them. Especially “honest” and “selfless”. I’m neither of these things at all. I lied to you today for my own selfish reasons. I could fib to myself now and pretend I had noble intentions when I lied to you but I didn’t. I did it so I could pretend a very harsh reality was in fact not a reality at all. I did it so I wouldn’t remember. Wouldn’t remember Mitch and May 2006, I wouldn’t remember my hopeless friend turning into the delinquent everyone expected him to become. Most importantly I did so you wouldn’t think of me as nagging or annoying. The truth of the matter is that I love you, I care about you and I never want to see you smoking. The habit itself I loathe. The dependence alone is enough to make me cringe and the stereotype of a smoker is not one I ever want associated with you. I don’t know if you’ve done this often but I hope you don’t make a habit of it. If it does become a habit, I would never give you the “cigarette or me” ultimatum. I’m always here for you and would never walk away for a reason so petty. What I would do is die a little each day as your need for cancer sticks becomes more and more carnivorous. You may think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but this is a big deal to me. Life is far to short and happiness too fleeting for you take five minutes off your life with every Winston you smoke. If you want to kill yourself jump in front of a bus don’t prolong the experience for everyone else on board.

I don’t want to beat my point to death but I do want to repeat myself and tell you I love you and that I’m always here for you no matter what. You’ve kept your wall up and that’s fine but I intend on breaking it down. From what I know you’ve had people leave you based on the fact they were unable to handle the intensity of your problems, I won’t leave. I don’t think I could.

Love you, Miss you, Want you.

I found this is a notebook.
I believe I wrote it sometime in late September, although i don't really know.

"What is LOVE? Is it real? Why do we LOVE who we LOVE? Do we chose them, or do they chose us? Why do I LOVE a delinquent? He never had a chance at life. He's unemployed. He drinks too much. He has addiction in the family. Most importantly, he smokes. I saw him smoking about a month ago. i didn't want to believe it was really him. I tried to forget, block it from my mind, but the memory was there and i couldn't forget. I couldn't. I couldn't forget how that smoke laughed at me as it delicately curled upwards... so beautiful. Suicide in a stick.
Funny how such beautiful smoke makes the smoker so unattractive".

Holly came from miami f.l.a.
Hitch-hiked her way across the u.s.a.

Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her leg and then he was a she
She says, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said, hey honey, take a walk on the wild side

Candy came from out on the island
In the backroom she was everybodys darling

But she never lost her head
Even when she was given head
She says, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
And the coloured girls go

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo)

Little joe never once gave it away
Everybody had to pay and pay

A hustle here and a hustle there
New york city is the place where they said
Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
I said hey joe, take a walk on the wild side

Sugar plum fairy came and hit the streets
Lookin for soul food and a place to eat

Went to the apollo
You should have seen him go go go
They said, hey sugar, take a walk on the wild side
I said, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
All right, huh

Jackie is just speeding away
Thought she was james dean for a day

Then I guess she had to crash
Valium would have helped that dash
She said, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
I said, hey honey, take a walk on the wild side
And the coloured girls say

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo)
(doo)

Entry one of many

He was my first best friend.
We went to the same babysitters everyday and although he was four years older than me we were attached at the hip. I used to sit beside him on the woman's couch, curled up underneath his arm when no one was watching or at least when we thought no one was. In public he would pretend i had cooties. When you're young, you live in a world of naiveties wearing nothing but a smile laced with optimism and a pair of glasses with lenses tinted that perfect shade of roe that makes every glass seem half full. There were no wars, drugs, gangs, illness or heartache and i lived in a state of ignorant bliss. I am fortunate enough to have kept most of my mindless optimism years latter but now i realize some kids don't even have that optimism to begin with.
i also realize this might have been the case with my very first best friend, Joe.

i would have posted this the day i wrote it but i found myself in Ottawa without computer access.

For such a loud, outspoken person i always find myself at a loss of words when it counts the most. My Grandmother is spending sometime in the hospital for the third time this month. the doctors are talking about putting her in an old age home and are giving her incredulous amounts of heart failure medication. Not being as healthy as she was a month ago has taken it's toll on her and she's become depressed. i worry that she's become so overwhelmed she just gives up. She let's the downward spiral of medical chaos rip the carpet out from under her feet, so to speak. She told me it gets to the point where she says "please lord... just let me die. I can't do it anymore!" Well i'm not religious by any means but i understand that when you've reached the point of asking god, the make believe Christian man's Saviour, to let you die, to murder you as opposed to helping you through the hard times, you've reached rock bottom.

When i was visiting her today i wanted to tell her that all illness is 80% mental. if she completely changed her mindset or even started thinking more optimistically she would start to feel better. i tried to tell her but my throat dried up and i was from a foreign country trying desperately to understand, to make her understand, but i couldn't. i didn't speak the language. i just sat there, stunned. it's terrifing to think of what might happen in the future. So much of our lives are uncertain. I want her to be alive to see me make something of myself. i want her to see me get married. This sounds selfish i know but i just want her to be happy because if she's not, i'll sink down to rock bottom with her.

August 09 2008

************Long time no see. well my best friend Sabine has replaced you as my therapist but she's currently in Europe and I've decided to write down my problems instead of pulling a "what about bob?". Please forgive the sloppy writing, i haven't sat down and written creatively in, what is it, 33 weeks? jesus. it has been a long time. Well here i go on my usually rant about my soap-opera-esque, overtly melodramatic life. My apologies in advance.************

haha. this came up when i went to write an entry tonight. i must have started writing a couple of weeks ago and forgotten out it. Typical Kelly. Creative and kind, she's always smiling. Melodramatic, a bit of a drama queen maybe, but a nice enough kid. Clumsy and clueless. easily distracted and disorganized but she means well.

i should probably start by helping you fill in all the blanks in my life.
i'll start with the men.

Corey became my on again off again best friend. We were really close until we kept trying trying to make out with me. well, he did more than try, i let him. i don't regret it either which is weird. well it's needless to say we're not as close anymore. he wanted a friend with benefits, i wanted a boyfriend and things went to shit.

Evan and i ended up seeing each other for a short time. That also went to shit because i got scared. I'm a giant commitment-phobe. he was never a jerk like Corey ended up being; he was just the opposite. I guess i'm not used to nice guys. I'm happy to say, it did not end badly and we're close friends. We have the kind of friendship where you talk all day then call each other and talk all night. it's nice. Evan is currently M.I.A. we "think" he's on vacation.

The beard-ed man become some brat's boyfriend. ten months latter they're still together. gag me. he's a friend of mine though.

Jerry Kennedy and i ended up friends. I used to rape his facebook wall. Everything went downhill there when he asked me to sleep with him and i said no. He doesn't really talk to me anymore. Guess he doesn't take rejection well.

The guy with the dreads cut them off. His name is Marc just so you know. He was interested in me until he found out i was three years younger than him. He was kind of a creep and my friends call him Scary Marc or SMA. he kind of followed me for a while which freaked me out. I used to being the pursuer not being pursued. Well to make a very long story short, we're friends who flirt with each because we both know nothing will ever happen. I'm seeing him next week. I'll let you know how that goes.

Ohhh there are some new men too

There were these to guys i liked at summer school -that's right, summer school. the student who used to get 80s and 90s failed geography- one 19 year old named Slayer and another guy named Dylan. well Dylan had a girlfriend and after hooking up with Slayer i ignored him. he moves on fast at least. a couple of days latter i saw him making out with some girl. During the month of may i was totally led on by this guy named Patch. i don't really want to say much about it -i'll save that for another day- all i will say is i still have feelings for him. Then there is Joey, but he's an entry himself.

I MISS EVAN
damn Radiohead. there is favorite band you know.
i have to stop listening to radiohead.

I'm happy to say Corey has become the new Evan
he went from being someone i liked to my guy best friend
Evan went from being a nice innocent best friend to someone who gets in fights, gets sent to the vpo and ignores my presence.
yet he still values my opinon.
or so it seemed tonight.
we were at finch waiting for my bus and i was about to run and catch it when i said he should ask Rogelle out. Unfourtunatly my witty/bitchy plan didn't go so well because i missed my bus and had to go back and talk to him agin.
He then asked me what he should do.
Jesus.
My key bord d being a bitch so I'll ave to leave you in suspense for now...

Kelly